Dead End

Oh what’s wrong with me
Said oh what’s wrong with me
I know what I don’t wanna be
A dead end on the family tree
And I just lost my virginity
To a girl who won’t remember me at all
Took her out on a shopping spree
Happiness never happened for free
Could it be that I imagined things
I’m just sad instead of heartbroken

-Sam Roberts

Flailing

You'd think, at some point, I'd be able to catch a break. Life would look down on me, take pity, and throw something good my way. A good relationship, a decent job, maybe even a five dollar bill on the street. I'd have the chance to feel good for a short time. As far as I can tell, it would seem life is throwing everybody but me a bone. It may seem like it at first. I'll find a cool girl. She'll seem into me. She starts giving me mixed signals. And then, BAM! We're friends. The whole idea of us being together is lost in the move from Relationship City to Friendshippington. Soon enough, she finds a guy that she wants to be with, he turns out to be a complete asshole, and she comes running to me for comfort. I think to myself "This is my chance. Maybe if I play this right, I can finally get out of the Friend Zone and into something more long term. Something with commitment. Something I wanted to have so long ago, and just forgot about." And what do you know, she goes running back to the jerk that left her feeling bad in the first place. "Nice guys finish last" they say. What they don't mention is how we only finish last because the bad boy broke our knees before the race.

Magic Lens please?

I used to know what I wanted in my life. I used to just want the necessities. Food, water, a home, love. Now it's sorta gotten more complicated. The main thing that has become more complicated is love. See, I used to just want love in general. But now there's a certain type of love that I want. A love unconditional. A love that takes work to maintain. A love that really felt like I deserved it. Instead of all the relationships that took little to no work, I want a relationship that makes me feel like I'm, and it's, worth something.

I could sell all the relationships I've been in for about two cents and a piece of gum.

Animal(?) Magnetism

Lately, I've come to a sort of realization. A... personal discovery, if you will. However, it is quite the small discovery. I've noticed that I am the opposite sex is... quite attracted to me. I currently have two girls who want to be with me. Two of them want me, but there's only one me. And I'm sure (here's where I get egotistical) that there's at least a few more out there.

I know this is said a lot, but I don't see what they see in me. I don't have much going personality-wise. Nor do I have much going looks-wise. I must have eaten a lot of magnets in my childhood...

Think think think... Oh bother.

I feel like I'm lost in my life. I mean, I know I'm only 17, but I feel like I should know what I wanna do with my life. Where I wanna go. What I wanna do. And I guess this is all sort of the root of my problem, or at least the one I think I have. Since I feel lost, I suppose I also have feelings of inadequacy and plain uselessness.

I think I'm going to have to find a way to fix this.

Hrm...

Well, a blog that I can actually post about myself on. What a wonderment. A bit of pre-warning, this is probably just going to end up being a lot of me bitching about my life, or just open wondering about a lot of things. So, if you would like to read an e-journal of a boring teenage boy... Well, here ya go.

Lately I've been feeling sort of... I don't know, lost in life. There's a lot of stuff that I want, but a minimum of actually getting it. Whether it be objects or a certain person, I never seem to be able to get what I want. Be it a lack of money, a lack of patience, or a lack of everything in general, anything I want is far from my reaches and the things I have end up breaking. My iPod, my laptop, my heart. Life seems to have thrust something upon me. A question. A question that has been answered many a time, by many a person, but has yet to be answered by me. "Who am I?" If I want to be technical about it, I could say that I'm Devon Bennett, a less-than-typical teenage boy, living somewhere in Canada. But if I want to get deeper than that, I can't. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. No idea what I want to do in life, nor do I have any footholds to get me anywhere I might want to be. I suppose it's either lack of motivation or just pure laziness that makes this so, but I can't for the life of me figure out which it is.

So here I am, not quite happy with life, but not quite hating it yet. I don't know what I want to do... But I feel like I'll know soon enough.